SA is a unique environment, home to the world’s most diverse bio-structure, set within a giant, humming ecosystem of people, culture, language and tribulation. And with our towns and cities acting as incubators for the some whims of those brilliant innovators, it’s really no wonder that South Africans have been making an impression on the world for quite some time.
Read on and discover more about the useful things South Africans have done. Below each entry you’ll find the hugely funny SA Promo Invent-o-Matic, which creates a new fictitious invention based on the real one before it…
1955
The Tellurometer: Trevor Lloyd Wadley
Quite an outstanding student because of his photographic memory, ol’ Trev was born in Durban in 1920 and lived a successful life as a clever man and an even better inventor. Wadley’s ‘tellurometer’ was a land surveying device used in construction, and could accurately measure distances of 50km or more. He also invented an ‘ionosonde’ and the ‘Wadley Loop’ radio receiver. Much of the technology he pioneered still exists in other inventions today.
SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
The Tune-Your-Mom-eter, a device used by nightclub windsurfers and heavy okes everywhere to initiate drinking-time brawls anytime. With less hassle and more tuneage per square inch of air than any other product on the market, of course. The invention would have been born of Mr Wadley having to field questions such as: “Like, what’s an ionosonde?”
1958
The Heart Transplant: Dr Chris Barnard
Dr Barnard performed the world’s very first heart transplant on December 3 1967 at Groote Schuur Hospital in Cape Town. Born in the fossil-rich town of Beaufort West in the Karoo, Barnard’s legacy will never cease in our high-calorie world. It’s quite apt when you consider the ‘inconclusive’ rise in heart attacks when Joburgers back from their Cape Town retreat and receive their speeding tickets from Beaufort West Traffic Department.
SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
The Burger Plant, a genetically-modified bonsai tree that would grow the ingredients you find on any good Burger King or McDonald’s burger. This would allow the owner to harvest gherkins, tomato, lettuce, onion, a synthetic beef patty and cheese from one plant. Given the effect of junk food on the human heart, the Burger Plant would help keep Dr Barnard’s legacy alive forever.
1960
Pratley Putty: George ‘Monty’ Pratley
While searching for a seemingly innocuous method of replacing screws and nails for electrical boxes, George Pratley stumbled onto Pratley Putty. Born in Johannesburg, Pratley formed a multi-patent winning company set amongst the marula trees of Krugersdorp. Since then hundreds of tons of the sticky stuff has been exported around the world, with a good few tons used in 1969 on the first manned space flight to the moon. The stuff was even used to refloat a couple of ships stuck off the South African coast in the 70s.
SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
Nutty Putty, the best-tasting peanut butter on Earth, endorsed by dentists everywhere. With the superb consistency of Pratley Putty, Nutty Putty would seek out and fill all the cavities in one’s mouth while exuding that great peanut butter taste. Just be careful not to ingest too much, you don’t want Nutty Putty to fill the wrong hole!
1963
Dolosse (plu): Eric Mowbray Merrifield
Eric Merrifield was born in East London, home of large waves and blunted surfers. A harbour engineer by trade, Eric invented these massive 20 ton concrete abominations to defuse, rather than deflect the pounding of waves on the shoreline. One thing he forgot to do however was patent his design. As a result you will see dolosse all over the world, of different shapes and sizes, but all inspired by Eric’s original 20 000kg master piece.
SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
The Dolo-zombie is based on the current design of dolosse, except they are much smaller, weighing in at around 20kg each. They are also covered in pointy, spiny bits intended to pierce the flesh of the undead and explode. If you were ever caught in the middle of a zombie uprising in your home or office you’d need as many as you can get.
1971
The CAT scan: Dr Allan McLeod Cormack
Cormack was born in Johannesburg but spent most of his time in America. Though particle physics was his speciality, he shared a deep interest in the field of X-rays. His CAT scan theorems existed for quite some time, until American bright spark Godrey Hounsfield read about them in the Journal of Applied Physics. Hounsfield took his theorem to the physical level by actually building the machine and won them both the Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine.
SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
The KUK scan would be a groundbreaking machine intended to immediately detect false promises and fake stories within seconds. It would do well at political press conferences, cycling competition steroid testing stations and at any instance of Pete Doherty assuring the media of his sobriety and intent on becoming a positive role model.
1974
The Kreepy Krauly: Ferdinand Chauvier
Ferdinand moved to Springs in eastern Johannesburg from the DRC in the 70s. He recognised the massive market in South Africa for clean swimming pools and presto, the swimming pool vacuum cleaner was born. The Kreepy Krauly was born in Springs, currently exists all over SA and the world, and is also testament to the fact that another great thing about South Africa is that you don’t have to be super-wealthy to own a swimming pool.
The SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
Creepy Al would be a robotic invention, humanoid in form and function but alcoholic in design. Creepy Al serves drinks at pool parties day or night, shaken or stirred. Whether the order is Snakebites on ice or a Heston Blumenthal-inspired concoction, Creepy Al takes as long to mix drinks as it takes to insert a Kreepy Krauly in one’s pool: 1..2..3 and presto!
1992
The Speed Gun: Henri Johnson
Born in that small pool of tranquillity called Somerset West in the Western Cape, Henri Johnson developed the Speed Gun at his company, the South African Electronic Development House. The Speed Gun is used in professional cricket and tennis games across the world, and accurately measures the angles and speed of tennis or cricket balls while the game is being played. A world-renowned invention in the sporting world.
The SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
The Feed Gun, a life-saving non-projectile weapon of mass ingestion. The feed gun would be used in third world countries, war zones, disaster areas and Roman orgy re-enactments to shoot hefty amounts of basic foodstuffs onto or around a designated zone. The question of whether proper guns will be needed to protect this amazing device is yet to be ascertained.
1993
Action Potential Stimulation: Gervan Lubbe
Gervan Lubbe spends most of his life in Johannesburg inventing things. But in the early 90s he brain-waved an electromagnetic device that could be used to treat a range of painful medical issues like arthritis and sports injuries. To date his APS machine is sold in 41 countries around the world and is used by over 40 000 people in South Africa alone. The device is also used regularly by a celebrity-addled list that includes Ernie Els and Andre Agassi.
The SA Promo Invent-o-Matic:
The Action Stimulator would be a device based on Gervan Lubbe’s machine, except it would require a painless diode insert into the human brain. Then from a remote location the recipient could be monitored, and via an electronic shock, stimulated to do what they have promised. We’ve decided to place an early order and get one to the house of Dr Manto and George Bush.
So remember that in all your endeavours outside of South Africa, confidence should never be an issue. Just take another look at all the positive and inventive things South Africans have done, and surely you must agree that being proud of coming from such a great country is actually very easy. SA Promo commends these inventors, and extends good luck to all South Africans wherever they are!
