As a base-level male I struggle to understand the appeal of these liquid lady lures. When I see something that colourful with that many straws on my bar I reach for the lemon, squeeze it in my eyes and slam a shot of tequila into my face – the closest I get to a cocktail. For a counter opinion (my girlfriend), I decided that I should visit a sexy cocktail bar.
And that was the first clue, you can sip wine wherever you please but you can’t find a One-balled Dictator just anywhere. Cocktails say ‘I’m going out, I’m young and sassy and I like naughty insinuations’. Alain the bartender was the second reason why women love cocktails. He called himself a liquid chef and looked like the type of Frenchman that your lady would tip handsomely for a Golden Rimjob.
I asked Alain why he thought women were so into cocktails and he went on about colour psychology and something called mixology but I was too distracted by the scene to care. We were surrounded by haute couture and chic furniture that was only comfy if you posed on it. It was like reading Cosmopolitan in 3D and it was seductive as hell. Have they ever done a ‘Cock and Cocktails’ article on the best ever positions to try with one in each hand? If they haven’t they will soon. In any case, the Sex and the City image was perfectly projected by everyone slinging back expensive pink/ green/ blue things.
Alain, back from his bullshit, decided to start shaking up my order. While I waited I noticed a lot of the drinks around me were accentuated with fruit. Part of a girl’s five-a-day I thought? Did the fruit juices contribute in any way to a healthier drinking habit? Heavens no, the fruity zing masks the alcohol which helps you get bladdered quicker. It’s that simple, even Alain knew this and he also knew how to dress up the glass to make you feel like it was a personal gift. It’s not long before they’ll be serving these cocktails in Jimmy Choos I tell you.
Unfortunately, as a base-level male, all I could see in front of me was a waste of crushed ice which belonged in the urinal. Nevertheless it tasted playful and swanky which is just the way I now like my Mother Mary’s Sexual Eruption. Cheers ladies.