1. Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
SANTA
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
How ’bout I send you a f****** book so you can learn to read and write?
I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
2. Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in
the world for everybody! Love, Sarah
SANTA
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa
3. Dear Santa,
I’ve written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
SANTA
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I’m gonna torch your house.
You’ll have more fire trucks than you’ll know what to do with.
Santa
4. Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
SANTA
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad’s still having with the babysitter?
He’s banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
5. Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me.
Please see what you can do. Love, Michelle
SANTA
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f****** mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars
worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to
play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like “Chutes and Ladders.”
Santa
6. Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit,a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
SANTA
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays?
Santa
7. Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
SANTA
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
8. Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
SANTA
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
9. Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
SANTA
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I’m skipping your house…
Santa
10. Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE.
Timmy
SANTA
Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don’t work up here. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa
11. Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky Mark
SANTA
Firstly, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don’t live in a house, that’s a low-rent apartment complex you’re living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
12. LITTLE JOHNNY Dear Santa
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I”m writing to you today, the 26th of December.
Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I”m not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a ***king yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the *** were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you”ve taken me for a sucker the whole ***ing year to come out with some shit like this under the tree.
As if you hadn”t ***ed me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can”t even walk into his house.
Please don”t let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I”ll BLISKEM you up. I”ll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you”ll have to walk back to the ***ing North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn”t get me that ***ing bike.
F*** YOU SANTA.
Next year you”ll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUKER.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
OOOI SANTA’s LIFE cannot be easy 😉
